A Fat Girl Becoming A Fit Girl

This Is Going To Be Short And Sweet!

Thu, 24 May 2012 12:05:00 +0000

I didn't write again last night. This morning I'm in the rush to shower, wash and dry and flat iron my hair and get up to the Woodlands to see Anna. Then I'm having lunch with my best friend's daughter-in-law and then I have to go by the Dr.'s office to have labs done for my appointment next week. Whew! Mark is leaving in the morning to go to Ft. Worth to go and work on his mother's house with his sisters and I'm going to be stuck at home because right now we can't afford a hotel. He can camp on the couch at his sister's house. I could go off about that but it is best to keep my big mouth shut!

Yesterday I managed to get to the store and a scored on some broccolini. Never had it but I want to try it. I also got a spaghetti squash. I picked up some other fresh produce and got my oatmeal, eggs and yogurt and picked ups some things for Mark. I also found the new Crystal Light Margarita drink mix and Applelini (?) I hear that Sam's also sells them and I hear that these are good. A friend said the jury is still out on the Mojito. I'll wait to try that one. While I was at the store I got terribly sick (crohn's) I felt like I wasn't going to make it home. Being out in public like that when my gut decides to cramp scares the crap out of me. I made it home in the nick of time. After unloading putting away all of my groceries, I decided that I would cool off and put my feet up for a few minutes. I ate my morning snack and it was also about time for lunch so I decided that I would answer some emails before making lunch.

Wrong.

I fell asleep. I must have needed it because I didn't wake up till 4:30. Not good. No lunch, no afternon snack and I was starving. I grabbed an apple and some peanut butter and that held me over for dinner. Since I had not had manu calories during the day I had Mark go and get Panda Express for dinner. I was fine with my calores, a little over on my daily fats but not much and a little over on my sodium. I did pretty good overall for the day. At least I didn't feel like binging. That was good.

I spent time on the computer last night trying to find Bob Harper's book "Are You Ready on CD" so that I could listen to him in the car. That book is so good and helping you get your head screwed on straight. I did find it on iTunes and last Christmas Mike and Sandy gave me a gift card for iTunes so I may just down load it to my iPod. I can listen to it in the car that way also.

When I went to bed last night I was scared to death that I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Wrong. I was reading another Biggest Loser Contestant biography and I feel smack asleep. Woke up in the middle of the night still holding my Kindle. It was too funny.

Well, I better rush off and go and get ready and get out of Dodge! Hope you all have a wonderful successful day! I know that I am. It sure is going to be a lot better than yesterday!

Till tomorrow....

A Long Yesterday!

Wed, 23 May 2012 13:05:00 +0000

I didn't feel like sitting up last night and writing so here I am this morning in a hurry to run and eat breakfast and to to get showered and dressed and get to the store.

I had a troubling day yesterday with JD. I'm not too sure just how much I want to get into it here. I think that I will just kinda skirt my way through it. Just understand that JD and I have had some minor problems since we started training last year. One of which is his constant changing of my training schedule to fit his other clients needs and not leveling with me. I'm sick of it! Shouldn't my time be just as important? Also another thing that I'm finding that I'm not crazy about is training with someone who doesn't understand eating disorders and morbid obesity and the limitations that come with it.

OK before you all blow a cork and come after me I want to state this all over again. To be 25 50, 100 lbs over weight is one thing. Yes it is hard! God knows I know that it is hard. But to most people being at least 225 lbs over weight the world truly does change. It is called limitations. It is called a body that just does not want to cooperate. It is called bad ankles bad feet, bad knees and lack of energy to constantly move this extra weight all day long. At this weight you literally have to pick and choose what you can and can not do. I can not wear myself out exercising and still have the energy to take care of a home, cook meals, grocery shop and the list goes on. There has to be a balance, at least for a while. I know when I get down below 320 lbs the world will be a totally different place for me. When I get down to 250 lbs, man o man life will get exciting! I have not been below 200 lbs since the 70's and reality is I have only been in the upper 200's only 4 times in the last 15+ years. Keep in mine there has been a lot of wear and tear on this body. Don't get me wrong...IT IS ALL MY FREAKIN FAULT!!! NO BODY ELSE'S, I OWN IT, I ACCEPT IT AND I AM THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CHANGE IT!!!!

JD thinks that it is easy for me to work out for 50 minutes at the gym and then come home and dance an hour on the WII. He thinks that I should be able to do Zumba 3 times a week and it on the other day I should be able to get an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. I should only need a day off. Well, he is wrong. I still have to try and keep up with my house, laundry and the there things that we all take for granted and I also have to have enough energy at the end of the day to be able to stand up and cook. His ideas of my working out needed a little adjusting yesterday. The other thing that needed adjusting is that people with food addictions, emotional eaters and all of those aspects of the morbidly obese need to be recognized. I AM NOT GOING TO BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME! Do I want to be perfect? HELL YES! I want to be. I want to strive to be but the fact is that sometimes I AM GOING TO FAIL, SOMETIMES MY BABY WAYS ARE GOING TO WIN! Do I want to work on it. OF COURSE!

Next I can hear some of you say to me...But you love The Biggest Loser and they work out all day long. I say that the ones who weigh over 400 lbs are men . Few women are in the 350's and they are younger. When I was younger I could have survived it. You say but there are older people on TBL. You are right they're are but they are not the ones who weight nearly 400 lbs. There is just a difference guys. The only reason why I love TBL is because it gives me hope that you can shed over 200 lbs. It can be done. That is it! It gives me hope. It encourages me not to give up. Watching it keeps me going.

With all of this said, I'm tired of JD making me feel bad when I'm not 100%. He needs to know that no one feels as bad as I do. I beat myself up way more than any other human can. I'm sad when I fail. I'm sad when I make bad choices. The biggest part of the journey is LEARNING to change that and remember Rome was not built in a day. Change is not going to happen overnight but change can happen.

So yesterday everything came to a head. I talked to the club manager about policy, when I went into the gym I talked to JD. Yes there was anger on both sides of that table, He did throw some things and he was nearly abusive. He calmed himself down when I picked up my purse, water bottle and towel and told him that he could sign me in on my appointed times and get paid until my training sessions were used up. I looked him square in the eyes as I stood up and told him this along with "I quit" and started out the door of the gym. I had never seen JD jump up so fast and tell me to get back in his office NOW. As tears ran down my face from anger his total demeanor changed. The look in his eyes changed. His outlook changed. He got come compassion. He told me that he didn't want to see me in a casket and I told him that I didn't want that either yet I know every single day that I wake up and make it through is a blessing. That is a fact. Extreme Morbid Obesity kills. I need a little compassion to get back down in the low 300's where moving doesn't hurt so bad. JD asked me if I wanted to get on the treadmill for a little bit and I told him "No". I just wanted to get out of there and cry. I was having a hard time not balling my eyes out. I told him that I didn't feel like it. I told him that I wanted to go home. He tried again to get me to go and walk the treadmill for just a few minutes and again I shook my head no. He then asked if I thought we were on the same page and I told him that I hoped so. He told me that he hoped so too. At this point I think that JD was as close to tears as JD can get. He asked me to give him a smile and I gave him a sarcastic one because that Is all that I coul do. He started laughing and told me that he knew that he could get one out of me. Then said to me, I bet you can smile again and then I almost cracked up and he said see. I know that it is there. He then told me that he would never ever change my schedule again. I said ok. We both got up and I started walking out of his office with more tears running down my face and he starts patting me on the back and scratching my back telling me that things will be o.k. between us. He told me to try and do something today and I told him that I would try. I told him that I would see him Friday and he said o.k. I tried getting out of the gym with out anymore tears running down my face but it didn't work.

Glad that today is a new day....

Took A Day Off!

Tue, 22 May 2012 03:30:00 +0000

I had a lazy laid back day on Sunday and really didn't have anything to write about. My eating is slowing getting better and I'm so grateful for that. I didn't even read any of my books on Sunday. I mainly caught up on some emails and played some games that I enjoy.

I was suppose to go to Zumba tonight but late this afternoon my stomach went to cramping and I felt like crap. I also woke up with a head ache and I fought with it mst of the day. My meals and snack came easy for me today and I'm thankful that peace is starting to fill my life once again.

It has been a hard journey back from the passing of Mark's mom. We still have so much to go through. One thing that is really bugging me is the feeling that his sisters feel like we need to be there as often as we can. Don't get me wrong. We need to help and and we need to do our part. I wouldn't put the task of going through Nannie's house just on the two sisters and their families. That would not be fair but I have to ask myself if they even think that Mark works 12 hours a day, he does has responsibilities around his own home and he does need some down time. Besides it does cost money to drive up there all the time plus it puts wear and tear on our cars. Mark has checked into what it would cost to rent a car to go up there but that is another $30 a day. Plus if I go with him we have to find someone to come and take care of the boys and we have to stay in a hotel because no body has room in their houses for us to stay. I know I'm bitching and whining. I'm sorry. I know that I shouldn't and I know that I wouldn't if our own money wasn't so tight. We haven't had a chance to recover financially from her passing. We have two bills right now that are having to be put off. One is to pay our accountant for doing our taxes and the other is our flood insurance on the house. We just pulled a butt load of money out of our retirement to pay off debt and I can see where we are fixing to be forced to start using the cards again. It just pisses me off. Rant over!

I don't have Anna tomorrow but I do have JD tomorrow afternoon. Since he wants me to do some extra cardio on the days that we work out I think when I get up in the morning I will dance to my Dance Dance tape on the Wii. I also think that I will shock Mark and I'm going to clean off one side of the desk in the office and clean out one of the upper shelves so that I can shift some things in the closet up into the cabinets, mainly my bible study DVD's and CD's.

When I get home from working out with JD I think that I will look through some of my Biggest Loser Cookbooks and see if something strikes me to cook for dinner. I know that I'm totally bored with baked everything. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know I like to cook good food so it is time to start finding recipes that will fit my new lifestyle. I will say that I'm struggling with not having my potatoes and pasta in the evening. I'm so hungry for some spaghetti! I may just have to go to the store for a spaghetti squash! LOL! I do love them.

Well, I guess I'm going to call it a day and go and read "Skinny Rules" and call it a day.

Till tomorrow...

I know, I'm late in writing about yesterday...

Sun, 20 May 2012 05:30:00 +0000

I did start out yesterday great with a Zumba class and burning over 800 calories. Really spoke to me about seeing that Body Bugg jump ahead. It made me PROUD! I would love to find a early Zumba class every day. I would do it because I love to dance. My instructor and former classmate Sandy does a terrific class. There was only 4 of us total in the class and we had all kinds of room to move and mess up! There were a couple of times that I had to stop because I knew my heart rate was way up there and I couldn't catch my breath even though I could hear JD going "in through the nose out through the mouth, slow and steady breathing...no labored breathing". It does work to breath slow and steady while you are working out breathing that way. The more you practice it the easier it gets. That is another thing that I like about having a personal trainer. You can concentrate on what you are doing and your breathing while they are counting and correcting you if you get out of correct form. Love it!

I got home from Zumba and I ate breakfast and sat around for a bit. When I got up I'm telling you I thought I was going to fall on my face because I was so sore. My legs and hips were dying! My arms and back were still a little sore from my workout with JD.

I had a pretty lazy day just enjoying being lazy. I played computer games and supervised Mark doing some work on a neighbor's house to help her out. He painted her front door and it looked fabulous. When we got through yesterday evening he wanted to go out for fajitas and margaritas and I hate to say that I know that I over did it. But, we move on. There is always the next meal or snack to get it right. No more beating myself up. It doesn't work and it causes more problems than what it is worth. All that I have been reading has been saying over and over "MOVE ON!" so I'm moving on. You may want to ask "Are you going to do it again?" my answer would be "Yes" I know that I will because that is who we are. It is when we get into the mentality of "Oh I've blown it, why did I do it, I might as well have this and then I just made it worse so why don't I just blow it all day and then the next day comes and we go I blew it yesterday and I'm such a failure I might as well do what I want to today and there is tomorrow." Those are the recordings that we need to change. That is what I want to work on. I blew it last night but I'm moving on. I have "NOW" to make it right. Hopefully and prayerfully the times will get less and less.

I shared in the last blog that in Skinny Rules, Bob Harper says to drink a glass of water before you wake up and before each meal and snack. I want to share with you something else he said in that first skinny rule. He wrote about a study done in Israel about the influence of water on resting energy expenditure in overweight children. Resting energy expenditure or also referred to as REE is the rate at which you burn calories when you are sleeping, watching tv or just sitting there staring into place. (My favorite past-time). Anyway the researchers conducting the study gave the kids a large serving of cold water then began measuring the REE every 10 minutes. The reaction was more robust than anticipated. Within 24 minutes, REE began increasing. By 57 minutes, REE had increased by 25 percent and this effect lasted 40 minutes. Shocking! Bob said just by drinking water, your body increases its burning of calories. The scientists estimated that, if you just do this you'll burn off an extra three pounds over the next year. I'm with him on his next comment "That doesn't sound like a lot, but I'll take it. Won't you?" Yep, I'll take it. It sure has gotten my attention about water!

You know I have been the queen of not wanting to drink water! I not only had WW tell me that any fluid would count as water consumption and a private dietician but with what I'm reading about water. I'm starting to like it. I'm getting use to my 2 cups of coffee a day and no diet sodas. Water is starting to suit me just fine. Bob shared some more stuff about dehydration and the benefit of drinking water can help your workout. I think that I will save it for tomorrow. I did go to bed last night with a bottle of water on my night stand to drink when I woke up this morning. I'm getting Skinny Rule #1. Interesting.

Would any of you like to share any tips about the benefits of drinking water that you have learned about? I'd love to hear. Give me a comment. OK?

A Rough Start This Morning...

Sat, 19 May 2012 03:15:00 +0000

When I got up this morning I had a crampy stomach. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to keep my 9:00 appointment with JD. He had called late yesterday afternoon and for the 2nd week in a row he moved my time. Last week was because his 9:00 had to take her daughter to the Dr. OK I understand. This week he wanted me to come in a 9:00. I texted him and told him to tell the Mom with the daughter that they couldn't have my time. He wrote me back and told me not to be that way. Humm...I have an appointment I keep that appointment and I don't like to change it unless there is a good reason. Something told me that this stunk in someway. One reason I don't like a early appointment is you never know what is going to be going on with my crohn's. Some days it is o.k. and other days I just need to be close to the bathroom. I texted him and told him that I wasn't sure that I could make it and did he have a later time. Of course he didn't. He usually takes off at noon on Fridays. He deserves that. But I deserve my appointed time too. This is what got me upside down with JD the last time that we trained. Things started out great then he started changing my time every week. Doesn't work with me.

We had a real good workout and surprisingly I was able to endure all that he put me through. We did step-ups with me holding a 12 lb. ball and then we took that ball and went from a squatting position to swinging the ball up over my head diagonally. That was hard. We did 3 reps in each direction and we did 3 reps going up and down on the step. He then put me on the treadmill and he bounced me all over the place. Incline at 5 with the speed at 1.7 to 2.0 mph and the lower the treadmill to 3. I swear I felt like a bouncing walker. Luckily he lets me hang on or I would have gone straight off the back of the thing. LOL! I was tired by the time we got through. He wants me to do some cardio this afternoon on the Wii so I will have to get that on my schedule and get it done. As I was leaving I questioned him about next week's schedule and when I told him "10:00 on Friday?" He squeezed my shoulder and told me that he would work on it. I must have cut him one of my mean looks and he said "It her daughter" I looked him scare in the eyes and said get it changed. I don't care.

Right now I'm in the middle of reading Bob Harper's "Skinny Rules" Boy has it been a good book and I'm learning a lot about why JD has me doing what he has me doing. Pretty interesting stuff and I do plan to share with you as I go through this book. So stay tuned. I will start sharing what I'm learning tis weekend.

This afternoon I was suppose to do my Wii Fit but I went out to lunch with a friend and then we shopped till 9:00 tonight and boy do my feet hurt. We just looked around but I did buy her the cutest brightly colored sun to hang in her kitchen. She loves bright cheerful colors and kind of has a Spanish them in her breakfast room and kitchen. It is really cute.

I didn't have my snack or dinner today. That is not good! You need to feed your body small meals throughout the day and I feel better doing so. We had fajitas for lunch and I couldn't finish mine which is very unusual. Since we were shopping my snack and my dinner flew out the door. I know better but things just happen. As I'm learning and I'm getting better at is letting things like this go. It doesn't happen everyday but it does happen and it will happen again. Maybe next time I will be better prepared to throw some nuts in my purse or better yet pack me a small cooler with some food in it to take with me.

Oh before I forget, one thing that JD and I talked about today was water. Bob Harper says in his book Rule #1 is start your day drinking a full 16 oz of water. He says to go to bed with a bottle beside your bed and before you get up to drink it. You should drink a bottle of water BEFORE each meal and snack. When I told JD about what I was reading he agreed wholeheartedly with Bob Harper and then asked me this question. "Should you drink your water cold or at room temp?" I told him "Cold because it helps speed up the metabolism." JD told me that was true but more importantly he said drinking anything cold with a meal will cause the fat in the meal to coagulate and it makes it harder for the body to process it. You know I never had thought about it, but he is right...think about this what happens when you have melted butter and you poor anything cold over it. What happens? It turns back into butter solids. GROSS! This will change me about drinking anything cold when I'm eating. Does it you?

Think....

May 17, 2012

Fri, 18 May 2012 03:45:00 +0000

I did it! It is back up and it has changed. As this journey continues I am sure that things will be added and things will get better.

What a job this has been. My host company could not mass delete my blog so I had to delete each entry one by one. I can tell you that I felt like I was never going to get through 5+ years of my life. I never dreamed that there would be a day that I would feel like I had to let it all go but the fact is the day had come. With so much changing within me and this journey I had to get rid of my Weight Watcher, whiny, boring days. At least that is what it had become to me. I thought that as I was deleting the days that I would want to read the first few days of the blog started in 2007, but as I got to those days I just starting feeling more free the more days that I deleted. Gone are the days. GONE! Did you hear me???? GONE! Bling....into Cyberspace never to come back again. Yeah!

That is what this journey needs to be. Not looking back, not crying over spilled milk but moving forward, to share what I'm learning because I plan to learn a lot. I plan to admit a lot! I plan on not holding back. I want this website and this blog to reach out and help other people struggling like me. That is what I want.

So...to all of you who have been with me for a long time you will never get a blog beginning with...."I got up and had my coffee while watching the news and then I got Mark off to work...." No...those days are gone. Is that going to be tempting to write? Absolutely. If I start that will you please send me a email and tell me that I'm getting off track and to refer to the blog entry written on May 17, 2012. Thank you!

So, let's get this started. I'm calling this a day because I'm tired. I'm tired of sitting in front of this computer punching keys. I'm tired to trying to get things deleted and moved and done away with. All my files are deleted and gone and all that you see is what you are getting...for now.

By the way, one last thing...the Home Page and My Story are all new. Go and read them. You just might find some good new things about me.

Good night!